we broke up and he got another girl pregnant

Let me repeat myself IT IS NOT A LOTTERY WIN. If he truly wants nothing to do with his child and is willing to pay his obligatory financial support, I dont think that makes him a scumbag, I think thats good foresight. I try t,o help because I remember when I was young. But if that rape victim gave birth to the child, dropped it on the rapists doorstep and left, its highly probable that the law would pursue her for child support. lets_be_honest Addie Pray original. Lots of it. She experiences an allergic reaction and has to be rushed to the hospital. i thought that was a bit harsh as well although her anger is unjustified, shes actually just reacting the same way 99% of people would do in that same situation. Of course life is unfair. Im currently going through a rough breakup with my partner of nearly 9 years, and if this happened to me two months from now I would be having angry, irrational emotions too. I know of a jumpmaster who lost his nose and ears for being too bold doing the one-minute door check in severe cold weather. ESSENCE.com is part of ESSENCE Communications, Inc. Then the day we got back from this amazing vacation, he broke up with me through email! Coke didnt have to do anything wrong. She wants to live in a dorm with her friends and no way is she missing weeks of school to give birth. by Kara Straight May 11, 2018. Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. He could be imaginary. And my opinion doesnt change whether youre prepared to have a kid. I would like to also say, we dont know that shes trapping him. Male rape victims notwithstanding, men control where their sperm goes. Francine I dont know how Im going to feel about this baby malarky. If you want to hold this poor man responsible for some child some women decided to create, thats just mean and patriarchal crap. I am sorry, but that is just dumb. April 10, 2012, 6:26 pm. Is this a valid summary? April 9, 2012, 1:15 pm. Youre reading waaaayyyy too much into what I said. Guy Friday Dude, get away from this guy pronto! The prohibition against abortion is taken far more seriously by some than the religious prohibition against non-marital sense. female This is a process and it's got a lot of risks. A forty year old man should know that once is all it takes to handcuff himselfto someone for the next 19 years or so. He also didnt say fine, Ill support you financially, but really I dont wanna be a dada. He said that he would obviously pay but wants nothing to do with the women or the baby. female landygirl Everything else aside, most of the guys in this thread are more upset about the sex part than they are about the child out of wedlock part. Stop this back and forth with him. This is usually created by one person chasing harder or desiring the person more. My point is if you dont want kids there are always ways to prevent that he chose not to and now he can deal with the consequences. They way the *LW* is painting the picture here of how she and her bf are treating the unborn child is unfair to the child and is why people are reacting the way they are. After that, its not your choice anymore. I have tried to encourage him to stay with this woman soley because of this pregnancy How generous of you. Thus, her meal is tainted with traces of peanuts. That is not her fault. bittergaymark SweetsAndBeats April 9, 2012, 10:01 am. Im not saying he did. Ummm hes scum because he abandoned a woman he impregnated. He could've at least waited a week after coming back! Its called lying. I just dont see why thats ok but its not ok for the guy to essentially do the same thing but then have to pay. If the guy just walked away and contributed nothing, then that would be exactly akin to most adoptions, which, essentially, just mean letting someone else take care of your child. As a child who was raised by my mother and saw neither hair nor hide of my biological father, who diligently paid child support, Ive turned out for the better. Cowards who abandon responsibility when they dont want to deal with it dont make good partners. April 10, 2012, 11:43 am. A real man steps up to be there for the baby, more than just money for the baby, and to be there for the mother even if he cant stand her. Everything is he: He is in love with you, so in love that he humped another woman; so in love that he wanted to kill a baby to be with you. Malarky. Remember awhile back there was the letter about the girl who had an abortion and was scared to tell her bf because he was anti-abortion. April 10, 2012, 7:15 pm. April 9, 2012, 5:29 pm. SpaceySteph But if its not, ITA with Amanda, LW. She is certain it is his. However, not once did I say anything like what youre implying. I cant imagine what my friend would have had to deal with if that was his child and he had to have dealt with her for 18 years. And I called him out on condom use because truly that should be something we all think about when having non-monogamous sex EVEN if the woman is taking another form of birth control. He said this is not gonna ruin us, but Im unsure. These are very common questions going through a guy's mind when he finds out his ex had a baby with someone else and now wants him back. Still, if I were the LW and I saw my newly reunited BF acting this way about his soon to be born child, Id get the heck out of there. My heart broke into a million pieces. Even if she was taking it appropriately (same time every day, no antibiotics interfering, etc), it still isnt 100% effective. 2023 ESSENCE Communications Inc. All Rights Reserved. It is possible to get pregnant on the pill if you dont take it at the same time everyday, so maybe use backup protection if youre fucking someone you dont know? April 10, 2012, 7:07 pm. reader, anonymous, writes (28 January 2008): A If he wore a condom and if she was on the pill, hes an idiot because what? 2. the guy is not worth you in a relationship. Why would you disregard opinions that are based on the data thats actually there, and then defend yours which is based on a guess you made about people you dont know? female I love him so I'm willing to accept the baby. That way you and only YOU get to decide which woman you deign to procreate with. We've joined the BHM Digital family of websites and have updated our Terms of Service and Privacy Policy. No worries. If she doesnt, DO NOT have sex with her. He cant try and opt out of the rules that he knew he was playing by when he had sex with this woman. theQuietOne Because, you dont know the other person you dont if they remember to take their pill on time, if they forget pills for days at a time, if they are taking antibiotics, or if youre just one of the unlucky small small percentage that gets pregnant while taking the pill. Ive known people who thought of abortions as no big deal who opted to keep unexpected and poorly timed pregnancies, and people who thought theyd never consider an abortion but who ultimately ended up having one. Is it the fact that he wants something different from what she does that makes him scum? This baby will need a dad, not just a check, and if he can walk away from this child he can walk away from you just as easily. The law provides that the parent taking care of the child is entitled to support from the other parent. Where the issue comes in is who physically is around the child more, which is placement, which though there has been progress tends to err on the side of the mother still, with all other things being equal. I wouldnt want to hang around to find out. What is he supposed to do to prove hes not scum? Um, yeah. Abortion is incompatible with compelled child support. I just want her to know so that she won't expect anything like my boyfriend marrying him. But it happened. I have no idea why you two took a break if you cant live without each other, but honestly, neither one of you is mature enough to be in a committed relationship. April 9, 2012, 6:47 pm. And yes, women do use the laws to trap men into financing their lifestyle of choice (as a single mother).. Oh yeah, because plenty of men already have no problem abandoning AND not paying. It is actually quite easy. Glad to see youve really listened to fellow commentators, reflection on their contributions carefully and made a meaningful contribution to the DW community. Is it fair the the woman has to be the one to undergo a surgical, often time traumatic procedure when a man can just move and disappear? And honestly, if my boyfriend told me he wants nothing to do with his own child. Because he should have known she could have gotten pregnant! Do whats best for you, as difficult as that is. I wouldnt consider him a scumbag for asking her to consider abortion. That could very well be true I just tried to answer the letter as if whatever the LW said had some truth to it (like that the other woman was having the baby to purposely lure the guy into a relationship with her, etc.) The fact that you just knew your boyfriend got another girl pregnant before you start dating him shows that both of you is lacking a good communication way. Its biology. reader, anonymous, writes (29 March 2008): A But, it would have reduced the chances. And not even the most important part. Im not advocating for it, just describing whats been proposed elsewhere. Its not really his right to decide whether or not she keeps the baby. Let him go. This is always the risk and Id wager 2% of people or less would actually take the time to ask anything about a potential pregancy before the stick gets dipped, My personal philosophy due to the current legal malarky is I need to know their standing on what happens if contraceptives fail and, if they would keep the child, is the person somebody I could see myself staying withboth of those things usually require me to know someone longer than 2 mins., Not JUST due to the legal malarky..I was too focused on getting that word in. There was a reason for that. 1. To be fair, (and Im not at all discrediting what youre saying, because it very well could be true), but no where in the letter does she mention that he did or did not use a condom. That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. So people got together, decided coke is in the best position to pay if its bottles explode and there you are. You dont really get a say in this matter. Hes scum all around in my book. And because a mans physical committment to the pregnancy ends after coming, the woman gets to make the call. Yes, he should have realized this was a possibility. They shouldnt just play house for the sake of the kid. honeybeenicki If a woman has sex with a man she should be prepared for the fact that it could result in her under going a medical proceedure, be it an abortion or childbirth. April 9, 2012, 12:52 pm. I would love, just ONCE on this site, for one of the male commenters to address shitty man behavior. It is quite possible to become pregnant on the pill. What the fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck. submandave Wow, youre a real piece of work, arent you. What if she believes than an abortion is murder? Where do stand on the fact that when a pregnancy occurs its only the woman who has to go through either an abortion or childbirth and the man never does either? Tell you what sunshine I promise that when men carry the children you all can decide about terminating the pregnancy too irrespective of your partners wants then we will have that equality you want so bad. LW, take a step back and think about what you would tell one of your girlfriends in a similar situation. haha I agree. April 10, 2012, 7:25 pm. I dont know what he told her within those two minutes but obviously it worked cause now yeah. The research on on-again/off-again couplesthose that break up and get back together multiple timesindicates that some of the most common reasons for getting back together with an ex include . Its probably best hes not in the kids life anyway. At some point you have to recognize your own self-worth and value, otherwise you will keep allowing him and others to walk all over you. Privacy Policy. When he didnt come chasing after you when you moved you knew it was over and done with. April 9, 2012, 11:16 am, Oh, good lord. Especially if ever precaution was taken (birth control, condoms, etc.). We were apart for over five years when he announced he was becoming a father, and even though all that time had passed and despite my happiness with my new husband, it still conjured up a lot of . Let me show you another scenario (that Im ad-libbing from GirlWritesWhat) following that logic: A woman is severely allergic to peanuts. No. She loved him back then but broke up with him over this but went back to him 20 years later thinking he grew up.2016. We judge people all the time where our judgment has absolutely no effect on the outcome, we arent participants in the issue and no one gives a crap what we think. April 9, 2012, 9:56 pm. Theres a fun scenario. These people are the REAL zombies.. landygirl What a door mat you are! April 10, 2012, 7:06 pm. Ill never leave you. The LW said that he is furious that shes keeping the baby. I agree that condoms provide significantly better protection than not wearing anything. My above reenactment was not a true depiction of the dialogue I believe took place. I think its the first time I am hearing someone smear another person for NOT having an abortion. Also who goes around talking about how he cant stand the mother of his child? He sounds like bad news. Is that fair to women? I have to take the stance that it is no ones responsibility but their own to make sure they dont get STDs. What a joke. Some said he deserved the label because he exposed the LW to STDs. I find it enjoyable to do because it makes him happy, and it turns me on to get him so turned on. And should. But there is a happy ending to this story. IF men want to engage in condomless sex and want a choice (which women DONt have btw, we dont TELL our bodies when we want our eggs fertilized and when we dont, I WISH we could that would be such an intelligent design feature!) I dont ever remember being heartbroken about not having a father. We broke up for 8 hours 2 months in and he met another girl within those 8 hours. He is going to focus his energy and time with his baby momma, his relationship with her, and making sure his child is born. Dont force him to be. I think its dispicable that you would consider re-uniting with a man that thinks his only obligation as a father is financial support. It takes two to make a baby. And hes 28. But I think shes tried to trap him and hes untrappable. She cant afford a child on her own. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. I dont want to be too harsh on the LW because emotions are a messy messy thing and Im not at all eloquent when Im upset. Landygirl, I think we should stop feeding the trolls. He does have the right to change his mind about how involved hed like to be. That isnt misogyny. Should you be frustrated at the situation? Pardon my French but if youre going to stick your dick into a stranger, you need to take birth control into your own hands and not rely on her word alone. If the woman chooses to take on the responsibility of raising the child alone, she ought not have the right to force the indentured servitude (financial or otherwise) of the father against his stated wishes. April 9, 2012, 9:16 pm. It is never said in the letter that he didnt, and the apparent assumption is that, since the woman said she was on the pill, he must not have used one. That fact just rubs me the wrong way. Its not that fucking hard. There is an obvious reason why we are all pretty damn sure he didnt use a condom For starters, itd have been the big leading point of the letter He so doesnt know how this happened! Add your answer to this question! And if so, Im ready. Its not exactly the same by any means, but similar enough for me to have thought it. Of course it is, but we have no way of knowing that the other woman was lying about that. Steve Kellmeyer End. I am not entirely sure how this applies when the kids are not the product of both people, but when it is mom, dad, junior and junette junior and junette do not always come first, always. As well, the LW has no right to call this other woman names, purely because it was the LWs (ex? reader, anonymous, writes (8 August 2008): A February 6, 2017, 4:03 pm, Simalar to me.. we fell inlove from schol at 15 we kiss at 16 sex at 21 we separated for 5mths he saw another girl and she lie told him she was pregnant..she moved in his parents house..i said goodbye he came begging me ..he dont love her.tears tears .. the next month her period came her lie came in the openshe never left ..i have since moved on ..25yrs to dated he still beging me to come backi played a game with him recently ..i said i would leave my husband would u leave your wifeto be with mehe said yes yesdo u have money to buy a house for me like what u did for her.the silence was deafing.i hang up the phone.. playersmove on leave him alone, lets_be_honest Personally, I think they should be given a one-time option to opt-out if the woman wants to keep the child and the man doesnt. lets_be_honest doesnt she have friends to tell her just say no to neon macrome?), we judge who our friends date and marry, we judge everything, usually based on what we would do. I didnt mean to imply it wasnt true, it just unfortunately isnt enforceable. Like condoms until you actually know you can trust them. And you want to marry this guy because.why? A woman who is raped is stuck with the agonizing choice of getting an abortion, or carrying a child to term. I dont know. It seems like you would be even more concerned about this when sleeping with someone you are non-monogamous with. He also lowkey blames me because I initiated the breakup. I dont know if hes a bad guy or not since we only have the ex-girlfriends side of the story. SweetsAndBeats Recently he ended the affair and told this woman to have no further contact. Like I said, step back and evaluate this situation as if you were an outsider. Youre fucking advocating that brilliantly fool-proof method?! Its a great idea, really, for someone who is unfit and probably on the verge of abuse or something else horrible. Im only speaking on speculation, of course, since I was not a part of the situation and only heard about from him. April 9, 2012, 12:39 pm. Hes walking away and Susie will give birth or have an abortion alone. Now, I want to believe him, but in my rightful mind I know I will be so dumb to buy all that he is say. April 9, 2012, 6:35 pm, Not highly infectious, huh? The pill doesnt stop ovulation in all women. Now. April 10, 2012, 5:49 pm. Idiots like the guy in the letter, dont. I just think that if he is saying he doesnt want a child then hes probably not fit to be a parent and the parent who does want a child is more fit. That is how we got our first kid. Because we stayed together, she caused him a lot of stress and drama by doing things like not letting him see his kids. However, since the pregnant ex of the LWs ex seems to want the child and seems to know the guys take on it, it is apparently her decision to bring a child into that reality. SpaceySteph Part of the agreement was they he was to never have any contact with the child. Why? Especially if you think the laws are unfair, I think youd be particularly cautious in your actions. But then it really IS all about needless solidarity on here as of late to be sure. Chuck Pelto Secondly, it is a medical procedure. He has an obligation to use condoms until he is in a committed relationship to prevent unwanted pregnancy and to prevent HIMSELF from contracting an STD (and thus spreading it around). Going through a breakup can be tough.It can leave you feeling restless and struggling to fill the white space left behind by the relationship. Trap Red Flag #1. To clarify, I am NOT living with HIV. Regardless of the law which I think is enforced far more often than not it seems wrong to me to argue that men have no control over whether a child is born but are legally bound to pay child support, whereas women can end the pregnancy or put the child up for adoption. So on what grounds do you hold the carpenter for child support and let the IVF doctor walk? Birth control isnt full-proof. honeybeenicki April 9, 2012, 12:32 pm, Well to start theres this ridiculous bit of misogyny and what seems like lack of understanding of child support: one of them is the ability to, once pregnant, get support for 20+ years from someone they might have just met.. and he is furious with this woman for keeping the baby after only knowing each other two minutes. Its all the adults running away being irresponsible, generally stupid, and downright insane that make this situation such a mess. Respect her decision. Courts are loath to do anything but joint custody unless one of the parents is an absolute idiot. Like labor isnt extremely painful. She isnt a woman he wants to be with his entire life. In many states men can declare themselves non-fathers. Who deserves to have the two people who were responsible for bringing it into the world both contributing to support it. A I've always felt like I was put on this planet to be a mom, but when . Painted_lady Friends of mine who were raised largely by their mothers but had to deal with their irresponsible, alcoholic fathers who dropped in and out of their lives whenever it pleased them did far more emotional damage to their children than my lack of having a father did to me. However, if a woman has sex with a man, she can make all the choices and decisions, force palimony, and essentially treat that man as their financial slave for the next 18 years. Anthony Leonson Absolutely, positively, 100% wrong. Consider that this is the kind of guy that has casual sex with people he doesnt really know/like while on break from a relationship with someone he cant live without. You already have something that will tie you to her for minimum 18 years. April 10, 2012, 10:41 am. Im not sure why you think this woman is trying to trap your boyfriend unless there are other details you didnt provide. Given that fact base, why wouldnt a woman who wanted a baby (but not a husband) entrap a suitable donor? Move forward with your life. Instead, you pick on women and insinuate that were ~unreasonable or some shit. Yes, the language in the letter is certainly. It takes two to make a baby, and it doesnt seem like he was taking any precautions. He isnt what is best for you. Does he think hes too old to be a dad? Id confirm that hes actually the father. When you two were engaged, he cheated and had a child by another woman. Is it any wonder that 40% of the kids born today are bastards? So, in other words, men should only have oral sex no, wait, not even that, because the STD risk remains but that women can have all the se they want, because they have the option of aborting a resulting pregnancy? All we know is that she wants to have the baby- maybe because shes prepared to be a wonderful parent. Its not the mans moral fault that he didnt think he would be roped into parenthood by a singular sexual encounter when he was told she was on the Pill. well, then Id run screaming the other way. You are talking as if a decision to terminate a pregnancy is as easy as taking out the garbage, as if there are no consequences to it whatsoever. I dont think hed be right to be furious in many possible scenarios that would still fit what was said in this letter, but there are ones that would which I think would cause justifiable fury. The man has NOTHING to do with any child creation. Or until we decide to start a family.. He was able to find someone else to keep him company. So long as he isnt raping people, who are you to say he has no right to have unprotected sex? If its not easy, opt out of it. I dont think she should have any sort of legal say about the decision to keep the baby, but I dont think shes committing some horrendous crime for judging it. He didnt come chasing after you. Not to say that a single mother cannot give a child the support she needs alone, but as the father if you wash your hands of being in the childs life, you do not KNOW or even have a reasonable expectation (especially if shes a one night stand youve only known for 2 minutes) that the mother will be a sufficient parent. We decided to get back together as we cant bear life without each other. Why he is scum but a woman who opts for an abortion or adoption isnt its beyond me. She barely knows her new boyfriend, yet she's already pregnant with the guy's baby and is forced to plan a future with him. Yes, it takes 2 to tango but she is the one carrying the child and an abortion isnt just an easy thing to do. And you wonder why people accuse the threads of being hostile toward males? Does that suck for some individuals who didnt want it in the first place? If it's been a relatively short amount of time (it's all relative, but I like to say three months or less), since the breakup/last time he/she spoke with you That would be the end of any sort of relationship sex. Hell, I dont even know the lady in question, and I can tell that shell be a lousy mother, too. He said he still loves me and that he didnt love her, and it was a mistake. Its not some big secret that women have that option and that men are legally obligated to provide financially if she exercises that option. Im not a woman hater happily married for 15 years, and I love my mother, my sister and even my mother-in-law. People arent calling him scum for having unprotected sex with a women he was dating. You mean, a man shouldnt be able to decide to throw money at his child, but never once be involved whatsoever in the childs life? Im perfectly happy to share my experience with you! And most important of all, whats all this talk of ASKING WOMEN to have abortions? Image Source. Stop going backwards. What kind of 40 year old cant live without their SO. The sex was good. Wrong. But woman, grow the hell up. If this is the case then your friend is in the clear because he has no legal responsibility any more. But the kid is coming, and if your BF is a decent guy, he *should* be there for his child (if he doesnt come around eventually, you may need to consider if hes someone worth being with). The point you bring up here is why I cant wrap my head around one night stands. For all the reasons stated in the comments, women just cannot be forced into motherhood quite like a man can be forced into fatherhood. April 10, 2012, 10:56 am, hes angry with the way this has worked out. Thats my advice. I agree with all of this. He does nothing about the situation and when I try to talk about it, we never resolve the issue; he just says Im right but does nothing about it because she continues to do it.

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